This morning I called Benjamin's preschool to let them know that he won't be returning. Because I am not going to be in school the semester, there is no reason to drive Benjamin to Logan everyday for preschool. Making that phone call suddenly made everything real to me. I am not going to go to school anymore, Grad-school and a Doctoral degree are no longer part of my future. I am feeling very lost and confused as I have no idea what the future holds for me and my little family.
I am worried that having a new baby will hurt the relationship that I have with Benjamin. I love him so much and want to spend every second of every day with him. I love that he is to a point where I really don't have to do anything for him and yet he still loves sitting on my lap or snuggling together at nap-time. What will it be like to have a helpless infant around the house again? What if I don't have time for Benjamin anymore?
I am also stressed about how expensive it will be to have another kid. The amount of medical bills I have already accumulated is astronomical. Having a picc-line and being on home care costs about $200 a day. (Of course our health insurance covers some of this). Also, there is a pretty good chance that this baby will have a heart condition like Benjamin. If this does happen, what are the chances that we would luck-out again and have it be an easy fix and fast recovery? Further, when Benjamin had his heart fixed, he was double insured and we didn't have to pay any of his $50,000 bill for surgery and hospitalization.
I am also frustrated with myself. I have spent far too long being angry at God for doing this to me. I have felt all along that I was supposed to go to school and just when I am one semester from graduation I become pregnant and unable to finish. Why? I have spent much time praying and studying my scriptures trying to understand. I have been able to look back on my college experience and see that many things I learned and have grown. I don't know why I had to quit this close to graduating but I do see why I needed to go. I feel the worst about this because I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself that I may have hurt some people. I know that I have been a huge jerk to Josh who has done everything in his power to help me feel better. I have also been grouchy and irritable and to any of you who I may have hurt, I am very sorry.
I am sad that Benjamin has to quit preschool. He has grown so much in just the short amount of time he did go. His language has improved, he has stopped hitting, and he learned so much. I can't believe that there are no preschools in Brigham City that I could take him to. I considered sending him with his cousin to the ATC in Ogden but I am a little concerned about some of the things I have heard about that place. So I guess he is stuck with me until our lease is up.
Well this post has turned out to be much longer than I had intended. I'm sure most people won't even read it all but to those of you who do, thanks. I know many people have been praying for me and I think that as I am now done being mad at God, I will be able to feel the answers to your prayers.