Thursday, September 6, 2012

Birth Story

Just a few of the hardest parts of this whole thing...
The first hard part was telling the kids. Brianna didn't seem to know what we were talking about. Ben, however began to cry. He said, "Now I will never get to hold him." "My heart is hurting so much." "Why did he have to die?" I didn't know what to tell him, I have been thinking and feeling the very same things myself.
We pulled into the hospital parking lot and I noticed a lady sitting in her car smoking, she was wearing a hospital gown. As we were getting registered she came up behind us and asked the receptionist to tell the nurse she was back. I don't think it's fair that people who take smoke breaks while they are in labour get to have healthy beautiful babies and I have to go through this. (I know that's mean, but it's how I felt and it just made a tough situation tougher)
I told the lady I was scheduled for an induction and another nurse smiled and said "congratulations you guys, this is so exciting!" Then the receptionist proceeded to ask me if I have a paediatrician and if I'm planning to breast-feed. Maybe someone could have let them know why we were there so I didn't have to announce it to everyone in the waiting room. And then having to walk passed the nursery, see and hear all those little babies.
The next hard part was the waiting as it all began to settle in. People kept warning us that he probably wouldn't look like a baby and that we had to decide if we wanted to see and hold him. They wanted to know what we were going to do with his body. I felt torn between wanting to get it over with and having to accept the fact that it was over.
Around 3am I started having painful contractions so I called the nurse. She did an exam and immediately yelled for someone to call my Dr while she asked someone else to get the anaesthesiologist. They got the epidural going and I had just laid down when my Dr came in the door. The nurse said something to him about something protruding. He reached in and scooped out the "whole thing." The baby, Placenta, and sac all came out at once. I had told them that I didn't want to see him right away so they placed him in a bowl and took him to the nursery.
A few hours later some people from a  group called "Share" came to talk to us. They dressed the baby and tried to make moulds of his hands and feet. Then they brought him in so I could hold him. I think this was the most difficult part. I thought I was prepared for what he would look like, but I wasn't. He was so tiny. His little body was so deformed. It was just so hard.
And finally, we arrived home to find a box on the porch. It was a bunch of maternity clothes that I ordered last week. sigh...

I am so grateful to my sisters for watching Ben and Brianna while we were gone. I am also so thankful that Josh could take time off work to be with me through everything. I am also so blessed to have such amazing friends and family who are willing to help in any way possible. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in this. Every text message, Facebook post, email, and hug make a difference. You may not feel like you are doing anything but believe me, it means SO MUCH! I also just want to say that I am so SO very thankful for the knowledge that I will someday get to meet my Nathan. I am so very grateful for eternal families, especially mine!


  1. There are a couple of books out there that you could read with Ben and Brianna - it really is a great opportunity to teach them about the plan of happiness, and what this life is really about. I would love to stop by a couple of books that helped us that you could borrow. Are you still in Brigham? Let me know if you would be interested. Also about #3 I couldn't agree with you more - that has been one of the most frustrating parts that I don't understand - and maybe there are privacy issues that I don't know about, but it seems to me that people should be informed about sensitive situations such as these.

    1. We aren't in Brigham, we live in Salt Lake. We picked up a couple of book at the library and Ben seems to be doing better.

  2. I believe that writing down these feelings is an important way to heal. I hope your family can find the strength to cope with this, and that you feel how loved you are. I wish I had something to say to comfort you guys, but love is all I have to offer. :)

  3. I am so glad you have taken the time to blog your feelings. Someday you will be grateful you did. It is so unfortunate that when things like this happen, they don't have a special area set aside for the mom's and families, so that their loss doesn't have to be made tougher than it already is.Always remember that someday you will be able to be with him again and hold him and he will be so perfect. You are amazing and your posts are so touching. I pray for you and your little family and hope that knowing families are forever will get you through the days ahead.

  4. What a hard, hard day! I'm sorry you had to have a day like that. Thank you for sharing your "journey." Prayers coming your way.

  5. Ah Catie I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. And #3 blew me away. It would make sense to inform the medical staff so they don't ignorantly rub salt in the would. Hang in there, and know you have a lot of family and friends who love you guys.

  6. There will be a lot of people who will say and do insensitive things. Go ahead and hate them for a little while, they deserve it......I think anyway.

    I just do a little flipping them off in my head and that made me feel better in the moment, I actually hated the smoking lady right along w/you.

    Your ability to write already amazes me and you will be glad you did.

    I'm am so sorry. All I want to say is that this totally sucks!!!

  7. Catie, I am very sorry to hear about Nathaniel. My prayers are with you and your family.