Just a few of the hardest parts of this whole thing...
The first hard part was telling the kids. Brianna didn't seem to know what we were talking about. Ben, however began to cry. He said, "Now I will never get to hold him." "My heart is hurting so much." "Why did he have to die?" I didn't know what to tell him, I have been thinking and feeling the very same things myself.
We pulled into the hospital parking lot and I noticed a lady sitting in her car smoking, she was wearing a hospital gown. As we were getting registered she came up behind us and asked the receptionist to tell the nurse she was back. I don't think it's fair that people who take smoke breaks while they are in labour get to have healthy beautiful babies and I have to go through this. (I know that's mean, but it's how I felt and it just made a tough situation tougher)
I told the lady I was scheduled for an induction and another nurse smiled and said "congratulations you guys, this is so exciting!" Then the receptionist proceeded to ask me if I have a paediatrician and if I'm planning to breast-feed. Maybe someone could have let them know why we were there so I didn't have to announce it to everyone in the waiting room. And then having to walk passed the nursery, see and hear all those little babies.
The next hard part was the waiting as it all began to settle in. People kept warning us that he probably wouldn't look like a baby and that we had to decide if we wanted to see and hold him. They wanted to know what we were going to do with his body. I felt torn between wanting to get it over with and having to accept the fact that it was over.
Around 3am I started having painful contractions so I called the nurse. She did an exam and immediately yelled for someone to call my Dr while she asked someone else to get the anaesthesiologist. They got the epidural going and I had just laid down when my Dr came in the door. The nurse said something to him about something protruding. He reached in and scooped out the "whole thing." The baby, Placenta, and sac all came out at once. I had told them that I didn't want to see him right away so they placed him in a bowl and took him to the nursery.
A few hours later some people from a group called "Share" came to talk to us. They dressed the baby and tried to make moulds of his hands and feet. Then they brought him in so I could hold him. I think this was the most difficult part. I thought I was prepared for what he would look like, but I wasn't. He was so tiny. His little body was so deformed. It was just so hard.
And finally, we arrived home to find a box on the porch. It was a bunch of maternity clothes that I ordered last week. sigh...
I am so grateful to my sisters for watching Ben and Brianna while we were gone. I am also so thankful that Josh could take time off work to be with me through everything. I am also so blessed to have such amazing friends and family who are willing to help in any way possible. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in this. Every text message, Facebook post, email, and hug make a difference. You may not feel like you are doing anything but believe me, it means SO MUCH! I also just want to say that I am so SO very thankful for the knowledge that I will someday get to meet my Nathan. I am so very grateful for eternal families, especially mine!