Tomorrow would have been my "due-date." If Nathan had lived, he would probably be here by now. I imagine holding him and smelling the top of his soft little head.
Several of my friends are either pregnant or have just had a baby. I try not to be jealous. I want to be happy for them. Going to church is hard, seeing those beautiful babies, hearing their sweet cries. My heart breaks. I feel so...empty. I see posts on Facebook about getting spit-up stains out of clothes or buying new car seats...the emptiness, the hurt, and the pain all grow stronger.
I think the hardest part is the guilt. It had to have been my fault. My brain says that's not true but my heart says there is no other explanation. It must have been medication I took before I knew I was pregnant. Or maybe it was that time I jumped on the trampoline. Maybe if I hadn't puked up all my prenatal vitamins...I feel lost in an endless sea of maybes, what-ifs, and whys.
I have been doing really well actually. Most of the time, I don't even think about him...but then something reminds me...and it's like crashing into a wall. When this happens, I feel like I'm stuck...kind of suspended in time...everyone else is moving forward...and I can't.
I think what you are feeling is normal. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry for the loss you have and the pain and guilt you are feeling. Reading your post reminded me of this quote, "The only way to take sorrow out of death - is to take love out of life." You had love for your child so there's sorrow and that's okay. That's good.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for this hard time. I don't think there's anything I say to help you through this. But I can pray. I hope that helps. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI wondered about this...I felt guilty when I first heard. I still do. And when you came to visit when i was preggo and you weren't it almost broke my heart for you. I love you and you need to start singing again. It will help the ache. At least, it does for me. I'm thinking about you.
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